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31.05.2022
THE PERVASIVENESS OF PEOPLE PLEASING
It sounds like a joke, right?
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That you can’t stop doing things for other people …. How bad could that be, it just makes you kind and generous surely? The hostess with the mostess!
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NO – DEFINITELY NOT!
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For sure, some people may like to hold you in that place because it suits their own agenda, but – I’m going to go out on a limb here – and say, those people are not motivated by your best interests.
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People pleasing is a trauma response where a lack of your own sense of self causes you to seek validation from others and to control their response to you so that you avoid being judged, disliked and get to feel what looks like love to you, even if it does come with a string of conditions.
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Fear, guilt and shame sit underneath the need for people pleasing – ALWAYS
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And the cost is enormous
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Not saying no to the boss
Not saying no to your kids
❤️Not saying no to your partner
Not saying no to your family
Not saying no to your friends (are you spotting a theme here…)
❌Saying no to yourself and your needs
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And it costs you money, time, freedom, self-expression, happiness ….. and it will never stop until we recognise and acknowledge it, and heal the beliefs that are causing us to be this way
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People pleasing is the full-blown expression of anxiety.
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Many of us learnt our people pleasing tendencies at a very young age – maybe mirroring a caregiver’s behaviour or trying to be a good child to keep the peace. At some level it was the creation of a safety zone, and the cost of this was a disconnection from your own emotions and feelings.
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When I moved to my house now, as a single person, I kept sending my best friend photos of paint samples on the wall asking her which one she liked best. Until she turned round and, in a very kind way, told me I had to choose as it was my home.
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I realised that I actually didn’t know what I liked in terms of colour of paint on the wall, clothes to wear, even food to eat – because I had spent forever disconnecting myself from that, believing that I could garner love and affection from people if I blended into their likes and wishes. It really is strange to start in your 40s, thinking about what genuinely lights YOU up.
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My gratitude that I can finally live life on my terms is beyond measure. I know that is a cliché phrase, as is the image of the butterfly emerging from the chrysalis; however, this is exactly what it feels like to have the freedom to test my own boundaries and to connect into feelings and emotions that were suppressed for so long.
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To be able to say no and know that it is a choice for me, not a choice against anyone else
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To actually do the things that light me up, because I now know what those are
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To create a life that encourages me to step forward and up every day, because I’m inspired by what I can achieve when I’m in my zone
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To feel confident, connected, peaceful, at ease and like a pot-maker, creating whatever design takes my fancy on any given day
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And, guess what, I’m still kind, generous, loving, giving and supportive – it just isn’t at my own expense any more
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I’m so grateful for the people in my life who showed me that the life of a people pleaser is not a terminal sentence and to my own commitment to my continued personal development that unlocks more and more doors, each and every day
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And I’m grateful I have also learned how to help other people process their own underlying causes of people pleasing, so they also can break free from those chains
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